What to Write When You Don't Know What to Say: Words for 12 Hard Moments

The short answer: you don't need the perfect words. Say that you know, say that you care, and offer one specific thing. "I'm thinking of you. No need to reply. I'll drop round on Thursday with soup" says more than a long, careful message ever could.

Most of us go quiet when someone we love is having a hard time. Not because we don't care, but because we're scared of getting it wrong. This guide gives you real words for 12 hard moments: what to write, what to avoid, and how to keep it simple.

"At my stall, people tell me the same thing every week: I want to say something, but I don't know what. My answer is always the same. You don't have to fix anything. You just have to let them know they're not alone."

Shabnam, founder of SHB Studio

What are the three rules that work for every hard moment?

1. Name it. "I heard about your mum" is kinder than pretending nothing has happened.
2. Take away the pressure. Add "no need to reply". It turns your message into a gift, not a job.
3. Offer one specific thing. "Let me know if you need anything" is easy to ignore. "Can I do your shopping on Saturday?" is easy to say yes to.

1. What do you write to someone going through cancer treatment?

Short answer: keep it warm and light on pressure. Tell them you're thinking of them, make it clear they don't need to reply, and offer something practical.

Words you could use:

• "I'm thinking of you today and every day. No need to reply, I just wanted you to know."
• "I don't know exactly what to say, but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
• "Can I take something off your list this week? School run, shopping, walking the dog. Just tell me which."

Try to avoid: "stay positive", "everything happens for a reason", stories about other people's treatment, and questions about their prognosis.

2. What do you write when someone finishes cancer treatment?

Short answer: celebrate the milestone, but leave room for mixed feelings. Finishing treatment can feel happy, tired and frightening all at once.

Words you could use:

• "You did it. The last session is done, and I am so proud of you."
• "However you're feeling today is OK. I'll be here for the next part too."
• "Here's to slow mornings, fresh air and getting your strength back."

Try to avoid: "back to normal now!" or assuming it's all over. Let them decide how they want to mark the day.

3. What do you write to someone who is grieving?

Short answer: use simple words. Say you're sorry, use the name of the person who died, and share one small memory if you have one.

Words you could use:

• "I'm so sorry about your mum. I'm thinking of you."
• "I'll always remember how David laughed at his own jokes before he got to the end."
• "There's nothing you need to say back. I'm here, now and in the months ahead."

Try to avoid: "they're in a better place", "I know how you feel", and anything that starts with "at least".

A small tip: put a note in your diary for a month or two from now, and on birthdays and anniversaries. That's when the cards stop arriving and people feel most alone.

4. What do you write to someone whose pet has died?

Short answer: treat it as a real loss, because it is. Use the pet's name.

Words you could use:

• "I'm so sorry about Bella. She was part of your family, and she was so lucky to have you."
• "I keep picturing her waiting at the window for you. Sending you so much love."

Try to avoid: "it was only a cat" or "will you get another one?"

For gentle gift ideas, see our guide to gifts for someone who's lost a pet.

5. What do you write to a friend going through a divorce or break-up?

Short answer: focus on them, not on their ex. Remind them who they are, and that a new chapter is allowed to start slowly.

Words you could use:

• "I'm in your corner, whatever you need."
• "You are still you: kind, funny and brave. That hasn't changed."
• "Fancy a walk and a coffee this weekend? No talking about it unless you want to."

Try to avoid: criticising their ex, "you're better off", or rushing them to move on.

6. What do you say when someone doesn't pass their driving test or exam?

Short answer: make it clear this is "not yet", not "never". Praise the effort, not the result.

Words you could use:

• "Not yet isn't never. You were brave to sit it, and the next one is yours."
• "One test on one day doesn't measure you. I'm proud of how hard you worked."
• "Want me to come next time and wait outside with snacks?"

Try to avoid: asking "what went wrong?" straight away, comparing them with anyone else, or saying "it's no big deal". To them, it is.

7. What do you write to someone who's been made redundant or didn't get the job?

Short answer: separate the person from the job. Remind them what they're good at, and offer something useful rather than advice.

Words you could use:

• "Their loss. Truly. You are brilliant at what you do."
• "It's OK to be fed up today. Walk, pub or sofa? Your choice."
• "If it helps, I'd love to read your CV or introduce you to someone I know."

Try to avoid: "everything happens for a reason" and "cheer up".

8. What do you write to a new mum who's finding it hard?

Short answer: talk to her, not just about the baby. Tell her she's doing well, and offer practical help.

Words you could use:

• "You are doing so much better than you think."
• "I'm leaving a meal on your doorstep on Tuesday. No need to open the door."
• "How are you? Not the baby. You."

Try to avoid: advice she didn't ask for, and "enjoy every moment".

9. What do you write to someone caring for a family member who is ill?

Short answer: let them know you see them. Carers often feel invisible, so name what they're doing and offer a real break.

Words you could use:

• "I see how much you're carrying, and I think you're amazing."
• "Can I sit with your dad on Saturday afternoon, so you can have a few hours for you?"
• "You're allowed to be tired. You're allowed to need help."

Try to avoid: "let me know if you need anything" on its own. Offer one specific thing instead.

10. What do you say to a friend who has gone quiet?

Short answer: reach out without pressure. Make it easy to reply, and just as easy not to.

Words you could use:

• "Just thinking of you. No need to reply, I just miss you."
• "I'm here whenever you're ready, even if that's in a few months."
• "Saw this and thought of you." (with a photo, or a small gift in the post)

Try to avoid: "why haven't you replied?" or anything that adds guilt. And keep going: one gentle message a few weeks later can mean a lot.

If you're worried a friend may not be safe, Samaritans are free to call on 116 123, day or night.

11. What do you write to someone who has had a really hard year?

Short answer: acknowledge it plainly. You don't need to list what happened.

Words you could use:

• "This year asked so much of you. I hope next year is gentler."
• "You kept going, even when it was hard. That counts for a lot."
• "Here's to rest, and to the good things still to come."

Try to avoid: "it could be worse" and "new year, new you" pressure.

12. What do you write to yourself when you're going through a hard time?

Short answer: write what you'd say to a friend. Be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else.

Words you could use:

• "I am doing my best, and that is enough."
• "This is a chapter, not the whole story."
• "Self-love is not selfish."

Frequently asked questions

Is it better to say the wrong thing or say nothing?

Something kind and imperfect is almost always better than silence. If you say something clumsy, "I didn't say that well, I just care about you" fixes most things.

Should I send a card or a text?

A text is perfect in the first few days, when people are overwhelmed. A handwritten card lasts longer: people keep them and read them again on the hard days.

How long should my message be?

Two or three sentences is plenty. Short and honest beats long and careful.

Should I send a gift as well?

You don't have to. But a small gift can say what words can't: something they can keep, wear or hold when you're not there. Every SHB Studio gift comes with a free message card, so the words and the gift arrive together. Browse our gifts for friends.

Want this as a printable guide?

We're making a free printable version to keep in a drawer for the next time you're stuck for words. Join our newsletter at the bottom of this page and we'll send it to you.

Bee kind. Bee you.
Shabnam